okay so why did youre dad want you to block me too? like I get nat but why me. whatdidio??? I'd we can't use discord anymore we should probably find somewhere better than Darflen (no offense) to talk. somewhere we get notified for texts ykwim. also, did you block nat on just discord or did you cut off contact with her?
I should probably tell you about the maniacal episode yesterday. basically yesterday for like an hour I went crazy. it was like from 11:00 PM to like 1:00 AM. Nobody except me slept until like 2:00. anyways, I'm like already crazy, but I went like ACTUALLY insane. I don't remember much but my sister and parents told me that I was acting strangely and I kept cry-laugh-shouting and they couldn't do much. Apparently I was mumbling, and I confessed a lot of "bad" things I did, like eat the last donut and use all of the months data on Tetris. Allegedly I started swearing and yelling in Turkish and my sister had to translate. I remember my mom crying and hugging me, she starting saying a prayer to make the devil go away or some shit and I remember saying, is god even real? I confessed shit, I was apologizing for being such a terrible person, I was thanking them for everything and idfk know what else. All my memory of it is blurry, and the sounds were far away. My gifted smart ass sister said that it felt like me expressing how I really felt about things because of how I came clean about not really believing in God and how I was complaining about how far you live and how I started expressing my self hatred that I never express. my parents didn't pay attention to what I was saying, they blamed it on the meds, but I feel like what I was saying is important. anyway, I think it's safe to say these specific meds aren't for me. but it also means they're rallying to get me off antidepressants because apparently the antidepressants are bad for me.
he found out that we were trying to make a real relationship work and didn't appreciate it
if i find somewhere else to chat with notifications he'll find out about it eventually, but we might be able to work something else out... he does know about darflen but not that you're on it
i blocked nat but she's still in my server and such since i'm not ready to completely cut her off just yet
i'm so sorry that happened, as long as you understand that there was literally nothing i could've done... at this point i just hope you're okay
hey thats okay, everything is okay my love. im fine. i dont know if it would help but i could talk to him. i dont meant to meddle in your family affairs, but i just wanna put that out there ykwim? everything with you and nat is okay. like i said, i just want you to be happy. but why tf didnt he appreciate it. like dude, you have amazing grades, you act like a good christian boy. i thought dating was okay in christianity. why don't they give you SOME freedom? also, you could just lie that its not serious. thats what I did.
also, I'm completely fine talking here. I don't care where we talk. I don't care if its two messages a day. I would just appreciate that you talk to me at all. idk if this is a break up, or like an unintentional break up, but I still wanna be with you and Im fine with continuing to be serious about this relationship even we talk in the most goofy spots possible and the most random times ever...idk if you feel the same way.
my parents are just really overprotective sadly. they joke about how i should be in a relationship by now but they secretly don't want me to? i don't even know. i want to stay together no matter how hard it'll be to do so. i think the longer we're together the most trustworthy you'll seem to them in the future
okay. yeah I figured they're overprotective. idk, I just mean maybe if they get to know me then they can see I'm not a threat or smth. yeah, I wanna stay with you no matter how hard it'll get too. thank you so much for everything. you're the best, you're so amazing. I love you so so so much.
i thought about it and the best thing i could come up with is that he thinks i'm too young to try doing it online and i should go for people irl (he doesn't understand i only have darflen rizz)
hmmm, maybe you should ask him. idk man, I don't think you should need to hide it. I'm sorry if I'm being pushy, its just you should have a decent relationship with your family bc at the end of the day they're really all you have. yeah I kinda need to hide it, but at this point my parents know and they couldn't care less. I don't know your parents, you know them, but a little bit of healthy communication never hurt anyone and I'm yapping again
the stupid lady i'm working with is making me do two things at once, tech stuff and separating name tags??? she still hasn't clarified exactly what i'm supposed to do with them
we should talk on tetr.io it's a perfectly unsuspicious site because we both play Tetris anyway ykwim. and it has DM capabilities so we can kinda talk normally
okay goodnight I love ya. this whole thing feels like that story about the two fbi agents who talked through emails drafts because they were in the fbi and couldn't talk so when they got out of the fbi they got married but I think the guy was cheating on his wife by talking to another fbi agent through email drafts but maybe I'm wrong because I don't really remember correctly and when I asked chatgpt it said Im a liar and that story doesn't exist but I swear it does and this feels like it because we're all secret and well I'm glad its not email drafts cuz they shared and email address because they were int fbi and email drafts would be like 10x fussier than here and I'm telling you this because I feel like if it actually happened it proves that any relationship can work if both parties PARTIES wanna party I mean if both parties want the relationship to work and all the situations just prove their dedication to the relationship ykwim and like even though this is awful its funny and good at the same time I and feel like an fbi agent even though I'm Canadian and we don't have fbi agents we have we have we have um the uh I think the rcmps, the royal canadian mounted police but I don't wanna be a RCMP I wanna be an fbi agent because America is better oh wait at least I have healthcare anyway, I guess we're fbi agents now and I'm yapping and I'm about to get in trouble goodnight I love you so much you're the best fbi agent I know bc I don't know any fbi agents aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
okay, Ive been thinking too much so why dont we just use Sally and bayoen why don't we make a server with just us in it why don't we just give up why don't we just go to sleep and pretend nothing happened why don't I just give up why don't I just stop talking.
I feel like yapping and I don't trust anyone so I'm just gonna write another paragraph and idrc if you read it or not I just wanna yap and like basicially grad is tomorrow and I don't wanna go because of the girl who is valedictorian which sounds awful but it isn't because she made the yearbook and I took one look at the flimsy, 35 dollar folder with like 10 pages and went I hate this thing and I never wanna see it again because when they were making the yearbook I asked to help and these bitches say, oh we've got it and they proceed to make the shittiest yearbook possible, which I didnt even know was possible because its a fucking yearbook, HOW DO YOU MESS IT UP, but no, it was so bad and the girl whose idea it was to make the yearbook ran the group of girls THAT WERE HER FRIENDS that made the yearbook and absolutely no boys were involved, absolutely nobody was asked about what we want in the yearbook and then when choosing the valedictorian they go hmmm, I wonder OH WHY DONT WE CHOOSE THE RUDEST BITCH EVER WHO MADE A YEARBOOK, because IF SHE HADNT MADE A YEARBOOK WE WOULDVE DIED, and WHO CARES IF ITS GARBAGE BECAUSE AT LEAST OUR PUNY MAINSTREAM SCHOOL HAS ONE, and WHO CARES IF ITS FAIR?! who cares if the students are represented in it? who cares if the battle of the books team is pictured in it because OH WELL I GUESS WE DIDNT EXIST?! and WHO CARES why should we even CONSIDER putting a picture of the band members EVEN THOUGH WE PERFORMED LIKE 5 TIMES, and who cares about the stupid talent show, and the stupid stupid stupid hard work I put into stupid stupid shit and the fucking tree, and how kind I've been to everyone and how hard I've worked...I suppose the people who work with the system win. I suppose if I had worked with the unjust system I could've been valedictorian. if I didn't have adhd, or depression or anxiety if I WAS NORMAL and NOT CAPABLE of RECOGNIZING STUPIDITY AND INEFFICIENCY THEN THIS WOULDNT BOTHER ME but no I have to be all special and act like I'm smarter and that's why it pisses me off they do things stupidly. i cant complain to anyone. because they're all congratulating her on being valedictorian. IM NOT JEALOUS OF HER. I'm happy for her but at the same time IT WASNT FAIR. I knew this would all happen from the start of the school year. I decided then that I didn't wanna work with the system and there was no point in a race won by cheating. I feel like I have no right to complain when I didn't do anything but I feel as if my very crime was that I didn't do anything. I'm not gonna win any awards tomorrow. they're gonna give me the paper they're legally obligated to give me, and I'm gonna walk home and act like I achieved something. I have no friends, shit grades, zero social acceptance for my actions, parents that low-key hate me, sisters who ask me why I take pills at night and some weird dude who lives a hundred million miles away as a boyfriend. it seems as if I achieved nothing, and I'm going to sit here for the rest of time questioning everything I did and didn't do as if there was ever a correct answer or choice. maybe once everything and everyone is gone then I will understand what it all meant. anyway, I'm gonna miss the anniversary tomorrow because grad ends at 7:30, the anniversary is at 7:34, and I used all my ducking data.
TL;DR zahrah is mad about something stupid, just tell her it'll be okay, and affirm that's shes not THAT horrible (yet), grad is tomorrow, shes gonna miss the anniversary, and wear the Tetris dress and embarrass herself on a new level
oh... you have every right to be upset, but i guess just don't express it in front of others? idk that's just a shitty situation overall, you have nobody to complain to other than the people you're complaining about it's going to be okay, it always has and it always will. sometimes it's hard for even me to realize that FUCK YEAH TETRIS DRESS I LOVE YOU
my phone almost got taken for a month over chicken ravioli (it tastes like literal shit okay) i genuinely wanted to kill myself, today just wasn't a good day and now i'm horny as hell but i really don't want to go back to doing it so often AFUYFDHGSGHH
goodnight i love you so much you're barely keeping me sane even though these darflen replies hh
I swear, I have so much to say and not enough time. Grad was today and it was hell. I'll tell you more later. youll do/did great on the tournament no matter your outcome I'll still be proud of you. I just wanna say I find it very admirable that your trying to quit your "bad habit" of masturbation, and the dedication is cute and the fact that you're trying and staying strong is so so so beautiful to me. Anyway I'm sorry you wanna commit suicide don't do it. I love you so so so much bye
urges were too much smh,,, that's not good i really don't want to go back to doing it daily again and i'm okay now don't worry, i don't know details about grad yet but i hope you're okay too
I wore the Tetris dress and got made fun of. I won a history award, I won the volunteer hours award, my average was a 67.3 on the report card, the last day of school is tomorrow, I genuinely feel your absence in my life, 10 weeks is crazyyy, my littlest sister starting crying because she realized next year all of us will go to different schools, because gifted sister = gifted school, highschool = me, littlest sister grade 3 = retarded so mainstream school and and and and and and and I'm stuck at school bc I cant go home and there's like 5 ppl here and we have a substitute because my teacher got sick and couldn't come to grad so that was a bummer and its so hot here and theres no ventilation and and and and I wanna leave this place so bad and and and and I have so much to say but I'm too scared to say anything and my brain is sleeping and I cant focus on anything and everythings feels so far away and and and. and. I give up.
well congrats on the history award? i'm proud of you, you're almost done with school for the year ❗❗ then you'll hopefully get a break from a lot of the shit god i love you so much, never forget that
my tea's gone cold, I'm wondering why I got out of bed at all. honestly, at this point we should just email each other. I love emailing people. on my school email I just like to email random people. I just send them life's deepest questions. oh man, you don't know about my email shenanigans. anyway. my day was very strange. everyone around me was crying, hugging, kissing. they were professing love to each other. I got stuck sorting chromebooks :p. one dude is moving away. everyone is off to other high schools. my parents want me off the meds. I'm cooked man. I will be off the meds by the end of next month. random people. old friends found me again. suddenly they cared. asked for my number. crying, sobbing, all red and snotty. I missed the grad assembly. I chose to, I live with no regrets. we got a clap out. we walked through the whole school and everybody lined the walls and clapped. as if we achieved something. I find it funny that the people who achieved the least dressed up the most on grad. funny. I hated the walk out. everyone kept referencing the comedy act. its like a stain on my shirt that everyone notices. it doesn't go away. I hated today. I realized I've been really. I don't know. everything I've done, everything I've said, everything is so so so far away. I regret everything. I've always done what I've wanted. suddenly
it hasn't even been a week and it feels like its been so long everything is going too fast I never wanted any of this to happen I'm talking vaguely and I'm so mad at the world and I'm mad at myself and Im so tired and I cried for way too long and I wish I could undo everything and I wish I could unwear that Tetris dress I wish I could undo all the social norms I broke and I wish that I wasn't so ugly and I wish I didn't have acne and my nose wasn't so big and and my forehead wasnt so big and my teeth werent so dirty I wish I was normal and I wish I had the courage to commit suicide I wish I never took that stupid summer course I wish I had friends I wish I was the person I want to be I wish I would stop entertaining so much hate I've become a vile, hateful awful human being and I hate myself so much and I'm always so secretive but I'm too open and I know how they all actually felt i could read their eyes and how they turned away from me I could tell I did something wrong but I didn't understand what it was and now I feel like everyone forgot everything because nobody remembers when I ask them things and I need to reply to that one email and I'm not gonna get that fucking position because I'm too young and. I want to build a snowman but it don't even snow here. so I'm gonna sit here and type illegally. I think elections are coming up im not sure idk who to vote for bc both parties are ass and I can vote bc my parents don't vote so I steal their votes lol and just vote online with their voting cards I left like 5 ppl in read and now I feel bad because I don't wanna answer them but I wanna talk to them and we aren't close enough to just be chill about it and I'm so mad we have to communicate like this oh man I feel so so so stupid Im actually pissed at myself and maybe nothing will ever be okay and well. well. that's it, I'm done. I don't want to talk anymore. I can already tell I wont talk much for a while. I'm sorry in advance. you'll have to carry the conversations.
goodnight, I love you. there's been times when I feel sad but I remember you and think, its not so bad, its not so bad after all. compliment. thank you for being strong and still giving the relationship effort even if its with comments on darflen. I love that about you, the dedication and sincerity. its gorgeous. I appreciate you, I love you. I love the mix of maturity and immaturity you have. I love your jokes and how silly and weird you can be. I cant describe how much I truly love you. there are somethings that kind of cant be explained. and well, you're just so perfect in your imperfections and I just love you the way you are. im surprised we lasted this long. 10 WHOLE WEEKS. damn. ten weeks of getting to know you and finding excuses to love you and talk to you. I hope you know how honestly and truly I love you. I mean every good thing I say about you. you're a wonderful human being, and I'm very grateful and fortunate you're in my life. thank you so much, I love you so much. yeah, I said I wouldn't yap, but when it comes to you cant help it
my phone got taken from me again... ugh i'm so sorry compliment shower tomorrow i swear... goodnight we can talk more tomorrow i love you so so so much ❤️
okay my phone got taken bc apparently it's summer so I don't need a phone so email me at sallyisntcrazy@yahoo.com idk if thats right I have no time okay I love you goodnight see you later email me if you can
I should probably tell you about the maniacal episode yesterday. basically yesterday for like an hour I went crazy. it was like from 11:00 PM to like 1:00 AM. Nobody except me slept until like 2:00. anyways, I'm like already crazy, but I went like ACTUALLY insane. I don't remember much but my sister and parents told me that I was acting strangely and I kept cry-laugh-shouting and they couldn't do much. Apparently I was mumbling, and I confessed a lot of "bad" things I did, like eat the last donut and use all of the months data on Tetris. Allegedly I started swearing and yelling in Turkish and my sister had to translate. I remember my mom crying and hugging me, she starting saying a prayer to make the devil go away or some shit and I remember saying, is god even real? I confessed shit, I was apologizing for being such a terrible person, I was thanking them for everything and idfk know what else. All my memory of it is blurry, and the sounds were far away. My gifted smart ass sister said that it felt like me expressing how I really felt about things because of how I came clean about not really believing in God and how I was complaining about how far you live and how I started expressing my self hatred that I never express. my parents didn't pay attention to what I was saying, they blamed it on the meds, but I feel like what I was saying is important. anyway, I think it's safe to say these specific meds aren't for me. but it also means they're rallying to get me off antidepressants because apparently the antidepressants are bad for me.
if i find somewhere else to chat with notifications he'll find out about it eventually, but we might be able to work something else out... he does know about darflen but not that you're on it
i blocked nat but she's still in my server and such since i'm not ready to completely cut her off just yet
i'm so sorry that happened, as long as you understand that there was literally nothing i could've done... at this point i just hope you're okay
also, I'm completely fine talking here. I don't care where we talk. I don't care if its two messages a day. I would just appreciate that you talk to me at all. idk if this is a break up, or like an unintentional break up, but I still wanna be with you and Im fine with continuing to be serious about this relationship even we talk in the most goofy spots possible and the most random times ever...idk if you feel the same way.
TL;DR
zahrah is mad about something stupid, just tell her it'll be okay, and affirm that's shes not THAT horrible (yet),
grad is tomorrow, shes gonna miss the anniversary, and wear the Tetris dress and embarrass herself on a new level
it's going to be okay, it always has and it always will. sometimes it's hard for even me to realize that
FUCK YEAH TETRIS DRESS I LOVE YOU
my phone almost got taken for a month over chicken ravioli (it tastes like literal shit okay) i genuinely wanted to kill myself, today just wasn't a good day and now i'm horny as hell but i really don't want to go back to doing it so often AFUYFDHGSGHH
goodnight i love you so much you're barely keeping me sane even though these darflen replies hh
and i'm okay now don't worry, i don't know details about grad yet but i hope you're okay too
god i love you so much, never forget that
how was school
honestly, at this point we should just email each other. I love emailing people. on my school email I just like to email random people. I just send them life's deepest questions. oh man, you don't know about my email shenanigans. anyway. my day was very strange. everyone around me was crying, hugging, kissing. they were professing love to each other. I got stuck sorting chromebooks :p. one dude is moving away. everyone is off to other high schools. my parents want me off the meds. I'm cooked man. I will be off the meds by the end of next month. random people. old friends found me again. suddenly they cared. asked for my number. crying, sobbing, all red and snotty. I missed the grad assembly. I chose to, I live with no regrets. we got a clap out. we walked through the whole school and everybody lined the walls and clapped. as if we achieved something. I find it funny that the people who achieved the least dressed up the most on grad. funny. I hated the walk out. everyone kept referencing the comedy act. its like a stain on my shirt that everyone notices. it doesn't go away. I hated today. I realized I've been really. I don't know. everything I've done, everything I've said, everything is so so so far away. I regret everything. I've always done what I've wanted. suddenly