Dear Jim,

You’re a fool, a coward, and a blight on common sense. You’re a walking disaster, a professional time-waster, and the human embodiment of bad decisions. You’re a disgrace to decency, a plague on patience, and a magnet for mediocrity. You’re a whiner, a fraud, and an expert in doing absolutely nothing of value. You’re a thorn in everyone’s side, a master of being unremarkable, and, above all, the reason people lose faith in humanity. Honestly, Jim, you’re a joke—but not the funny kind, just the sad, pathetic punchline no one asked for.

Yours in eternal frustration, John